Why being just friends is almost never enough

In the ideal world, if you were just friends with someone, you would never want more from the relationship, but such is not the case. It seems that being just friends is almost never enough, and here is why:
•    Chemistry. Let’s face it, we have natural inclinations to be attracted to and drawn to members of the opposite sex. This may be why you initially became just friends in the first place. However, the longer you are friends, the more nature takes over. The hormones you have, the feelings, etc. will lead you to want more than just a friendship. Even if the attraction is not physical, you start to have a larger attraction.
•    Time. When you spend a lot of time with someone, which is what happens when you are just friends with someone, then you start to really get to know them, and they start to really get to know you. It is totally normal to want a deeper, more meaningful relationship with someone when they know your inner workings, your secrets, your strengths, your fears, your insecurities etc. So, almost by default, as your friendship grows, so will your desire to be more than just friends. And who can help it?
•    Appreciation. You want to be with someone who appreciates you for you. And, when you are friends with someone of the opposite gender, you show your true side, not some masqueraded side that you put on when you are around someone you like. Your guard is down, and they get insight into who you really are. While this makes you vulnerable, it also makes you comfortable. If they like you back, you know it is because of who you are, not because of some show you put on to impress them.
•    Fun. For most, a relationship is something they would like to be in, and the logical side of them says that they have more fun with this guy that they are just friends with, so why not have them as their boyfriend. They are more fun than anyone else, plus you get all of the above mentioned benefits.
•    Companionship. You can’t kiss, cuddle, or hold hands with guys that are just your friends, and let’s face it, sometimes we just want someone to lay under the blanket with and watch the show. However, when you start doing this with your just friends guy friend, you can’t help but start feeling more for them. It is hormones, but those hormones lead to other feelings, and pretty soon you start to realize that dating someone who is such a good friend could be great because it takes you companionship to the next level.
•    The risk. People like taking risks, and you can’t help but wonder if he does, or could, like you as more than a friend. So, while you know that a more serious relationship than a friendship could potentially ruin the friendship, it is almost the excitement of it. You push limits, and you go for him because you have established that you are just friends, and thus he is off limits, which makes him more attractive.
•    Not everyone is honest. Often times being just friends is not going to be enough because initially one of the two of you wanted more than that. When more than that is not an option initially, being just friends is the next best thing. So, instead of being honest, they or you, get into a relationship where you will always want more.  You can’t fool yourself into thinking just friends is enough when it wasn’t at first.

How to stop his wandering eye

If you are in a relationship, and his eye is wandering, you catch him checking out other girls when the two of you are out, there is only so much you can do. Even in a marriage you can’t stop someone from looking, so how can you expect it in a younger relationship? You are still a teen, and so you should not be getting too serious yet, but that does not mean you want his eye wandering. So, what can you do to stop his wandering eye?

•    You can ask him about it. Sometimes guys look because that is what they do. You look too, you are just better at it than he is because you know how to be discreet. He may not be looking because he is dissatisfied with you, but because he is a young guy. You have to realize you are still young, and so is he. You are around hundreds of people of the opposite gender each day. So, how can you really expect him not to look some? He is looking to figure what it is that he wants, not because he is looking for someone better or new. However, simply mentioning his wandering eye and the fact that you notice it will help him to control it more.
•    You can change something about yourself to try and grab his attention again. Sometimes things get a little stale. You are young, there are tons of new girls to look at each day, and if you have been dating a while, he may just want to look at his options a little. You probably do it too! So, change your hair cut, color, or style. Buy some new clothes, and get ready every day so that he never has a reason to look somewhere else. If you do not want his eye to wander, you better ensure he has a pleasing sight to look at in you.

These are really your only two options. The truth is, as mentioned above, stopping it is really not entirely possible, but limiting it is. You want to be the center of his life, but chances are he is not in a place in his life yet where he is ready to make that HUGE of a commitment, and you shouldn’t be either. You are young. He is surrounded by females, and expecting him not to look at them is silly. If more than his eyes wander, then it is time to really put on the stops. If his hands wander, or his lips wander, then you need to break up with him. However, if it is just his eyes, you should be grateful he is normal, has hormones, and is attracted to girls.

So, do not try to stop him from looking. Be glad that he is looking, and be glad that even when he is looking at other girls, he is coming back to you. What should that tell you? That means that he wants you. He knows his options, and he is choosing you still. So, instead of being less secure because he is looking around, you should be more secure.

Now, if he is checking out other girls when you are out on a date, or when he should be paying attention to you, then it is a problem. Then, you need to put your foot down. Then you need to call him out, ask for a change, or break it off.

How to stop his wandering eye

If you are in a relationship, and his eye is wandering, you catch him checking out other girls when the two of you are out, there is only so much you can do. Even in a marriage you can’t stop someone from looking, so how can you expect it in a younger relationship? You are still a teen, and so you should not be getting too serious yet, but that does not mean you want his eye wandering. So, what can you do to stop his wandering eye?

  • You can ask him about it. Sometimes guys look because that is what they do. You look too, you are just better at it than he is because you know how to be discreet. He may not be looking because he is dissatisfied with you, but because he is a young guy. You have to realize you are still young, and so is he. You are around hundreds of people of the opposite gender each day. So, how can you really expect him not to look some? He is looking to figure what it is that he wants, not because he is looking for someone better or new. However, simply mentioning his wandering eye and the fact that you notice it will help him to control it more.
  • You can change something about yourself to try and grab his attention again. Sometimes things get a little stale. You are young, there are tons of new girls to look at each day, and if you have been dating a while, he may just want to look at his options a little. You probably do it too! So, change your hair cut, color, or style. Buy some new clothes, and get ready every day so that he never has a reason to look somewhere else. If you do not want his eye to wander, you better ensure he has a pleasing sight to look at in you.

These are really your only two options. The truth is, as mentioned above, stopping it is really not entirely possible, but limiting it is. You want to be the center of his life, but chances are he is not in a place in his life yet where he is ready to make that HUGE of a commitment, and you shouldn’t be either. You are young. He is surrounded by females, and expecting him not to look at them is silly. If more than his eyes wander, then it is time to really put on the stops. If his hands wander, or his lips wander, then you need to break up with him. However, if it is just his eyes, you should be grateful he is normal, has hormones, and is attracted to girls.

So, do not try to stop him from looking. Be glad that he is looking, and be glad that even when he is looking at other girls, he is coming back to you. What should that tell you? That means that he wants you. He knows his options, and he is choosing you still. So, instead of being less secure because he is looking around, you should be more secure.

Now, if he is checking out other girls when you are out on a date, or when he should be paying attention to you, then it is a problem. Then, you need to put your foot down. Then you need to call him out, ask for a change, or break it off.

How to get someone “out of your league”

Every girl has a crush on someone that they think is out of their league, and most and most girls do not think they can ever get this guy. However, this is strictly untrue. The following are the ways to get someone who is “out of your league”:

  • Have confidence. You can’t let them know you think they are out of your league, or they will think that to and not give you the time of day. So, have some confidence in your ability to attract them. You have good qualities, and you have something to offer that no other girl has, you just have to make sure you know it so he can see it, and find it out for himself. Even if you aren’t confident, start acting like you are, fake it until it is true.
  • Look good. You aren’t going to get someone who is out of your league by wearing sweat pants to school, and having a greasy head. You will need to look good. It does not matter if your natural beauty is not as much as some other girl, you can show off your good taste by dressing well; you can show that you can be just as cute by doing your hair every day, and wearing your make-up tastefully. So, spend some time trying to look great, and you will get his attention, and do it consistently, not just occasionally.
  • Impress him with a common interest. If he really is out of your league, and he knows it, you are going to have a harder time getting him to want to date you, but it is still possible. You just have to impress him. A lot of the time people think that they are out of your league because they do not know you. So, show off some of what you have to offer. If you are a great athlete, make sure they know you are. If you are excellent at Mario Kart Double Dash, then he needs to know. So, if possible, find out his interests, then let him know you share interests and that you are skilled. The best way to get a guy out of your league is to show them how great you are at something. It is even better if you are better at it than he is.
  • Act like you are out of his league. He is lucky to date you, not the other way around. Honestly, look at the popular girls, look at the girls who are “in his league” what makes them so special? They walk the walk and talk the talk. It is not necessarily that they are more beautiful, talented, or smart. It is that they think they are. So, time for you to change your thinking. You are the best thing that could happen to a guy. You are not shallow. You are smart. You are funny. You are insightful. You are a good listener. You are whatever you are, so figure that out, and be proud of it. You have to think you are all that to be all that.

If you can do the above things, you will be able to get any guy you want, even those who you once thought were out of your league. So, become the one who is out of someone’s league instead of thinking someone is out of yours.

When your friends ditch you

As a teenager your friends are likely to change several times over the course of high school. However, knowing that your friendships are likely to change does not make it any easier when someone you care about as a friend decides that they no longer value your friendship. When you friends ditch you, or find other friends, it hurts. However, you have to remember that it is not the end of the world, and that you are probably better off. The following is a look at how to deal with the loss of friends during your teenage years, and how to make new friends:

  1. Acknowledge that you grew apart. The teen years are formulative years, and you often change during this time. Your goals, objectives, focuses, and interests change. One may care about college, and studies, while another may care more about boys/girls, sports, or pep rallies. The fact is that often times your friendships end, and friends ditch you because your interests are no longer aligned. You care more about one thing, and less about what they care about, so they naturally realign themselves with people who have the same interests, problems, goals, and focuses.
  2. Recognize that changing is not a personal failure. You have changed, and so have your friends, so if that means you are no longer a good match as friends, this is not a personal failure. It can feel that way, it can feel like you are the reason they do not want to be friends any more. You are not cool enough, funny enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, etc. However, this is simply not true. Despite how it feels, the fact that you grew apart because you changed is just natural, and does not reflect anything on you. Being ditched by friends is not a personal failure it is a rite of passage in the teen years. If it doesn’t happen you may want to ask yourself why you are not progressing.
  3. Find new friends. Just like the best way to get over a love interest is to get interested in someone else, the best way to get over the loss of a friend is to find new friends that you enjoy spending time with. You may still feel a void for a time, as you won’t have the memories and long forged bonds to inspire the intimacy you had with your other friends, but with time you will find that, and often it will be even more rewarding.

If your old friendships matter so much to you that you are deeply distressed by the loss, do what you can to reforge the bonds. However, you have to realize that there are two people in every relationship, and if they simply aren’t interested in being your friend any more, then do not waste your time on them, find someone else that will appreciate the things you have to offer in a friendship.

Becoming A Better Friend

Do you long to become a better friend? Have you seen other people in your life develop friendships that last for their entire lives? If you have the hope and desire to make friends that will be with you through your entire life, you need to learn how to become a better friend. Becoming a better friend is a self-determination that you need to follow through. You must be able to learn how to reach out to other people and to be the type of friend that you would like to have in order to get other people to respond to you. Becoming a better friend can come down to many different factors but here are some of the key elements that can help you to become a better friend.

Listen

A good friend is one that knows how to listen. You do not always want to be the friend that is talking all the time. You have to start listening and getting your friends to see that you are a great person to vent to and a person that really does care. When you learn to listen, your friends will be able to appreciate you more and they will realize that you are always kind and thoughtful in your listening abilities.

Compliments

What is a great way to show a person that you care about them? Pay them a compliment! A good friend is one that can recognize things about their friends. You will notice when they get a haircut or when they look nice. It is a good idea to focus on giving a nice compliment to your friends in order to see them flourish and to love being around you. Compliments are great ways to let people know that you do notice them, and we all want to be noticed right?

Thank Them

A great way to become a good friend is by taking the time to tell your friends that you appreciate having them in your life. Teen girls need to have good friends to help them through the ups and downs of the teen years. Make sure you are thanking your friends that always stand by you and always support you no matter what. Having a good support group is one of the best things to have as a teen and you need to be there for your friends in the same way they are there for you.

Give them attention

When they are talking or when you are hanging out with your friends, do you give them attention? It is important that you give them your eye contact when they are talking and that you are present with your friends. You need to give them the attention that they need and crave. If you are always on your cell phone and playing on your iPod when they are talking, you are not offering them the type of attention they need and deserve.

Be available

It is common to have a lot of things get in the way in life and can cause you to become busy. When you are too busy for your friends, you may notice that your relationships start to fade. You need to make time for your friends and to be available for them if you hope to have strong relationships with them for the rest of your life. Try to plan nights where you can hang out with them. If you are busy, consider getting together to do your homework together. It’s the little ways that you get together and hang out that will have an impact on your friendship for many years to come.

Why putting out is a bad idea

teens kissingPutting out is a bad idea because. UMM… there are a million reasons, but let’s just take a look at some of the top. In fact, here are 3 big reasons why you should not put out.

Number one: You get a reputation.
If you are the type of girl who is willing to kiss on the first date, and go further on the second, or even the first time you meet, that says something. What it says is never good. Sure it might get you some more guy attention, but it is not the right kind of guy to be attracting. You will have a reputation for being easy, or being someone to go to when someone is looking to get some. This will be fun at first, but after a while it will start to be really upsetting. You will never know if a guy likes you for you, or if they are just interested in you because you are known for putting out.

Also, along with this reputation come people treating you poorly or differently. Girls will hate you because you throw yourself at a guy, or at least are easy, and so you will get more attention. But once again, let me remind you, this is not the right kind of attention to be getting, and it is not the kind of attention that will make you happy.

Number two: You are in danger of health risks, STD’s etc. When you put out, and you gain a reputation, you become a magnet for other people who are open with their sexuality. This means you may have sexual partners who have had several other sexual partners. This means your risk for disease sky rockets. There is not full proof way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases except to not have sex, or limit your sex to one partner who also limits their sex to only you. Even if you are only making out and stuff, not having sex, you still run the risk for getting sick, diseases, mouth herpes, etc. Putting out is a bad idea. Bad for your self image, bad for your health.

Number three: It becomes extremely difficult to get into a good relationship. Some girls put out because they are not yet interested in something serious, but want to enjoy some physical contact. This seems logical. The problem is, if you are always putting out, and never making any commitments, then you become undatable. Sure you are great for a hook up, but as a girl friend? Not a chance. What guy would want to date a girl who has been around? Most guys find this really unattractive. So, when the time comes that you are ready for a good relationship a couple things happen: you question if the guy actually likes you for you, or just wants to get some, so you are very insecure in your relationship, which is not attractive. Second, you have a hard time attracting the kind of guy you want to date because you are not the kind of girl he would want to date.

It is so easy to think short term. You want physical contact, so put out on a the first date. However, thinking long term is so much better for you. If you want meaningful relationships later with out the insecurity and doubt most girls face, then be selective about who you engage in physicality with. Even if it is just a kiss.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, how to get him to respect your physical wishes

girl glaring at boyWhen you are dating or even in a serious relationship it is important that he respects your physical wishes. If you have things you are not comfortable with, he should know that and respect that. In order to get him to respect your physical wishes you need to set boundaries to govern behavior.

Boundaries provide the ability to have relationships where both people are committed to preserving trust and upholding the value and worth of each other. If you set a boundary, and he crosses it, then a trust is broken. You need to set your boundaries with him and make sure that is clear.

Boundaries are best understood when they are clear. When you do sports you know what the in play boundaries are, and in a relationship it should not be any different.

So not be shy about setting boundaries. Boundaries are a good thing. In sports you get rewarded for staying in bounds, and the same goes for relationships. They have a more rewarding and fulfilling relationship because both parties exhibit respect and trustworthiness.

Boundaries also set up in order to protect the players. In hockey, a strong elbow check is a foul; the penalty is a shot or time in the box. There should be a penalty in your relationship when a boundary is crossed. This penalty may be severe like breaking up, or it may be less severe like spending time apart, or only dating in groups because of the temptation when alone.

In your relationships as teenagers, boundaries are significant. When you set boundaries for your relationships you give yourself to opportunity to work on your skills within the boundaries. You will learn important aspects of relationships that will help you in future relationships. For example, you will learn how to have a relationship that is not 100% physical, which is what many teens fall into the habit of having.

Boundaries regarding physical intimacy are not about keeping all the “fun” away from your relationship, they are about making sure you protect yourself emotionally and physically until you are truly ready for the level of commitment physical intimacy means and requires. Physical intimacy is meant to help bond and unite people. If you ignore its power, you disregard the wonderful opportunity it provides. So, it is important that you not only talk to him about you physical wishes, but together you should plan and consider the most appropriate boundaries physically for you within your relationship.

When getting him to respect your physical wishes, be clear about what is acceptable for you, not only within your comfort level, but also within your faith level. Discussing these boundaries and be sure they understand that they are to be held accountable to the standards you set. This does not have to be a big serious scary conversation. Just tell your boyfriend what your standards are, what your boundaries are, and ask him to respect them. Then say that if he can’t you will have to break up. Then most importantly stick to your guns about it. If he breaks a boundary, and you do not hold him accountable, he will continue to disrespect your physical wishes, and you will have an unhealthy relationship where you are left feeling used and uncomfortable.

In summary. Set boundaries. Understand the importance of having boundaries, and help him to understand that as well. Then hold him accountable for upholding these boundaries. If you do this he will respect your physical wishes.

Date, have fun, and have moral standards? It is possible, how?

young people eating pizzaMany people wonder if they can have fun dating if they have high moral standards. It seems like everyone drinks, smokes, and has sex these days. So, how can you go out, date, and enjoy yourself if you have moral standards?

The following are some ideas for how you can date, have fun, and have moral standards at the same time:

Date people with the same standards: it is hard to go out on a date and have fun if your date is expecting something you aren’t willing to do or give. This will mean that the entire night you will feel awkward or guilty, and at the end of the night he will feel lead on, disappointed, and unhappy with you. So, one of the best ways to have fun while dating, and still maintain your moral standards is to date people that have the same standards you do. This could be people within your religious affiliation, or it could be people you meet and talk to. Whomever it is, make sure you are on the same page as far as expectations and standards go, and that neither one of you will leave the date feeling awkward or uncomfortable because boundaries were crossed.

Stay out of situations that lead to immorality: It is possible to date, have fun, and still have moral standards even if you date people without the same standard as you. You just have to take a lot of extra precautions. You have to limit your activities to things you do as a group. You will want to stay where nothing can happen, and you will want to inform them of your standards upfront so that they do not have expectations you can’t or won’t meet. So, when dating someone with different standards from your own, go to BBQ’s, carnivals, bowling, play sports together, or get together with a large group. Do not go to movies, stay in and watch a movie, hit the beach, go hiking alone, or anything that might put you alone and in a regrettable situation.

Rules of thumb for dating and maintaining moral standards:

  1. Don’t go alone. Group dating is the best way to keep things PG
  2. Inform them. Just tell the guy that you only kiss, nothing else, or whatever your moral standard is. Then he knows and is less likely to try anything.
  3. Avoid guys with reputations. You won’t be different than the other girls this guy has nailed. So, don’t think you will be, and you will have a much easier time keeping your moral standards.

Ideas for dates that are conducive to maintaining morality:

  • Bowling at a local alley
  • Miniature golf
  • Swim at a recreation center
  • Hit the beach with a group, and in the light
  • BBQ at someone’s house, with lots of people.
  • Hike with friends and have a picnic
  • Tennis, volleyball, basketball, and other sports.

While not everyone at your school, in your group, or in your city has moral standards, you will be surprised to find out how many of them do. So, don’t just go with the popular crowd, or do something because you think it is expected. Hang out with the type of people who don’t expect you to do things you are uncomfortable with. You will feel better about yourself, and have a better time dating if you maintain your moral standards.

Choosing birth control

boy and girl laying on the grassSo, you are ready to start on some form of birth control, but you don’t know what to choose, or even where to start. I don’t blame you for not knowing, it seems like there are literally dozens if not hundreds of options when it comes to contraception.  There are injections, implants, patches, pills, surgical procedures. and more. So, in order to choose you need to ask some questions.
How do you know which is the right choice for you? Consider the following.

  • Effectiveness - Not all birth control is as effective as the rest. So, ask yourself, “Is avoiding pregnancy a preference, or a necessity?”
  • Failure rates - All forms of birth control have a failure rate. You want to look at the real life failure rates versus failure rates in a controlled setting. In the controlled setting every patient uses the method exactly as instructed every single time. However, if you’re really forgetful and keep an irregular schedule, popping a pill at the same time every day might be challenging, and the effective rate may not be as effective for you. Keep this in mind.
  • Risks and side effects - Most hormonal contraceptives (rather than barrier methods like condoms) increase women’s risk of blood clots and stroke, and weight gain.  So, you want to take that into account when choosing your birth control. You will also want to look at your risk factors: Are you a smoker? Are you obese? Do you have a family history of various health issues?
  • Lifestyle compatibility - When you are choosing birth control think about what you are comfortable with. If you can’t swallow pills, an oral contraceptive, “the pill” is not going to work for you.  Maybe a daily thing won’t work for you.you could go from something like the Depo shot that you get every couple of months.
  • Life plans - Some birth controls are long term, some become ineffective when you stop using them. Are you planning to have kids in the near future?  Do you want to put it off indefinitely but still have the option?  Are you in a stable relationship, or playing the field?  All of these things will be a big part of determining what type of birth control to choose.
  • Your comfort level - If you are uncomfortable getting a shot, that eliminates some birth control options. Would you rather just swallow a pill or put on a patch. Can you handle inserting a diaphragm or sponge every time, even in the heat of the moment? These are all things you will want to consider.
  • STI/STD protection - If you are sexually active with more than one partner, or are not committed to one person for ever, you will want to consider birth control methods that help to protect against the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. For example, condoms are better at that then other contraceptives, but nothing is really full proof.

After you have considered all of the above items, and have come to some conclusions talk to your OB/GYN, mom, or family doctor about what’s going to work best for your needs. To choose the best birth control, you have to be completely honest.  If you neglect to tell your doctor something that will make a big difference in the form of birth control he prescribes, you may regret it later.
It is wise to only get a one month supply at a time at first until you determine if your choice of birth control is working for you, you like it, like how you feel etc.