What to do if your friends do things you don’t

A lot of times the teen years are years of experimentation. Teens are busy forming their identities, and they have to determine who they are, what they believe, what their values are, etc. It means that you try new things, you push the limits of style, morality, etc. You experiment with sexuality, drugs, alcohol, etc. Of course everyone does this in different ways. For one girl it might mean wearing short shorts or testing their flirting ability, whereas another girl may try drinking. This is not to say that either is okay or better than the other, but the point is that sometimes friendships get strained because your friends are doing things you don’t, or you do not like what they are doing. There are a million examples of what this could be, it might be stealing, cheating at school, drugs, alcohol, drag racing, messing around, etc. So, what can you do if you like your friends, but not what they are doing? Consider the following:

One: Define your personal values.

Sometimes when your friends start to do things that make you uncomfortable, it can be a difficult situation simply because you are not sure where you stand on the issue yet. For example, you may have had a beer or two at a party, but you have never gotten smashed, and you do not drink often. So, when you friend starts drinking excessively you feel uncomfortable, but don’t want to judge, after all you are not perfect either. So, instead you just feel uncomfortable and you find your relationship strained. A better solution is that when you friends start to do something that makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable, you have to define for yourself what your personal value is on that issue. Sometimes you already know, and it is simply uncomfortable because you thought they shared the same value with you, and don’t. Regardless, make sure you know where you stand.

Two: Make sure they know where you stand on the issue.

A lot of the discomfort when your friends do something you do not like stems from the confusing feelings of telling them where you stand. Will they reject you because you have different values than them? You have to know where you stand, and then let them know where you stand. They will either accept it or not. If they do accept it, then hopefully they will refrain from doing those things that make you uncomfortable when in your presence, and you can still have a relationship. If they don’t, you have a clear illustration of how much they respect your choices.

Three; If they pressure you, you have to make a decision.

Even if you have been friends for years, if your friends start to do things like using drugs, drinking, or stealing, it can mean an end of a friendship. They may or may not pressure you to join them. However, if you start to feel a pressure to join in, even if it is not directly from them, you may want to consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them. You may go to the mall, and they shop lift, and while they never tell you to do it, you start to feel like if you don’t do it too, you may not fit in. So, you either need to stop going to the mall with them, or start shop lifting yourself. When it boils down to it, there really is not much middle ground with these kind of issues.

Why sex is such a big decision, and why you should wait

young woman seriously thinking I know you have heard a million times that you should wait to have sex. I always felt like wait, wait for what? What exactly am I waiting for? And the answer I received was always, “Wait until you are more responsible”. More responsible! When does this miraculous event take place? At what age, eighteen, nineteen, thirty-one? The answer I was given, which you probably have heard also was, “you will know when the time is right and only you can decide if you are ready or not”. Everyone only discusses the reasons not to have sex I want to address the reasons to have sex.
Have you ever thought about the reasons you want to have sex? You constantly hear people on television or in magazines saying how great sex is. So is that the reason you want to have sex to see how good it feels? I will tell you right now having sex is not all that great.at first. OK I admit it sex does get better. But having sex is not as great as it may seem to be on television or in movies. And having sex when you are in your teens is anything but great. Try awkward and uncomfortable. Its not romantic, gentle or loving like movies and television portray it to be. You know in the movies where the man and woman are softly kissing and everything is perfect, their clothes just seem to melt away. The candles are lit, satin sheets, soft music and they make love to each other and make the faces and sounds of pure pleasure. This is not reality, especially having sex when you are a teenager. This is the more realistic scene, a girl and a boy in the car, trying to get their clothes off without kneeing or kicking each other, lying on the seat of the car in some sort of laid out position with the seat belt pushing into your back, thinking every little noise is somebody coming, him popping his head up to look around and see if anyone is really there, a kiss here, a kiss there, then its over. As you are trying to put your clothes back on making sure they are not inside out or backwards, you decide right then and there you watch far too much television.
So what is so different about having sex as an adult compared to having sex when you are a teenager? Well as an adult sex is usually not in the car, mostly the bed.
And it can be awkward and comfortable but as an adult you are more able to deal with the consequences and responsibilities of having sex. As well as the emotional feelings having sex creates. You are also more comfortable with yourself  and are more able to handle situations such as unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and rejection. Yes, rejection. Rejection or breaking up with someone that you have had sex with can be an emotional roller coaster, as an adult you are better equipped to ride that ride. The “I can’t live without him” feelings after a breakup as an adult are not nearly as strong as they are when you are a teenager. Many teen girls experience depression and anxiety after deciding to have sex because they did not know the emotional effects sex would have on them. You know all the many reasons not to have sex, and the few reason to have sex, the choice is yours.

Peer pressure, how to not let peer pressure influence your decisions about sex and intimacy

teens laying in a circleThere are plenty of reasons not to let your friends influence the decisions you make about sex, alcohol, drugs and basically your life. Pregnancy, Sexually transmitted diseases, alcohol and drug addiction are just to name a few. Much of the time we think of peer pressure as being a bad or negative thing in life but peer pressure can also affect us in many positive ways.
Positive peer pressure is often not recognized by parents and other adults and many teens may not even recognize the positive influence their friends have on their every day lives. Whether your friends influence your life in a positive or negative way is going to depend on the people you choose to be friends with.
If you choose to have friends that think it is ok for them to smoke, drink and have sex, it is likely you will form the same opinions. I am not saying that just because your friends jump off a cliff means that you will as well. I have always hated hearing that one, especially coming from an adult. But when you are with your friends on a daily basis, many of the things they do will have an influence on your behavior whether you notice or not. We spend more time with our friends then we do our family, and even begin to feel our friends are family. So try to choose friends that will have a positive role in your life. A positive influence that is not noticed is better to have than a negative influence that not only is noticed but will effect your life for many years to come.
You of course will have friends from school that do smoke, drink and have sex but those type of friends shouldn’t be the friends you hang out with on an every day basis. These friends are fine to have at school but if you want to ease the pressure of being a teenager and not add more complications to your life than you already feel you have, keep the “negative” friends at a distance. Having friends with the same value system as yourself not only will have a positive impact on your life but will make life far less complicated.
The stress of school, parents and friends has enough complications, with positive peer pressure you will not be adding more complications to that already growing list. If you still think that the friends you hang out with don’t influence your decisions, think about the stress and the “drama” your friends bring to your life by engaging in unprotected sex and under age drinking. Even if you are not doing the same things your friends are you are still involved in many complicated situations. For example, if you have friends that are having unprotected sex and become pregnant or think they are pregnant that is going to have an effect on you because you care about your friends. They are like family to you. You are going to be stressed out about any of the complicated situations that they are involved in.
I am not saying to abandoned the friends that you have just because they may find themselves in a complicated situation. But if the friends you have are regularly  doing things that you know will have a negative influence not only on their lives but yours as well you need to be a positive influence in their life, set an example. Show them by using positive peer pressure that life can be far less complicated by not having unprotected sex or drinking alcohol or using drugs even if your positive influence goes unnoticed its better than having a negative influence that surely will be.

How to stay a virgin even when it is difficult

smiling young womanSo you have decided to remain a virgin but you are finding out that keeping your virginity is becoming more and more difficult to do as time goes on. I can’t give you a secret, magical potion that will cure all those non virgin feelings but I can try to give you some advice and helpful hints to maintain your virginity.
The best and almost for sure way for you to avoid the temptations of sex and keep your virgin status is stay away from boys, guys, men, what ever you want to call them, just stay away from them. No dating, no holding hands, no looking at them, just don’t even think about them. Not happening, right? I know I was just seeing if you were paying attention. Life without guys! I knew that would get your attention. But really a good way to maintain your virginity is to not have just one “boyfriend”. What I mean is try not to become too serious with just one guy. Go out once in a while, maybe a few instant messages here and there, a couple of phone calls but don’t become an “item”. This way you may lessen those non virgin feelings.
Also don’t set yourself up to be tempted to have sex. Try not to be alone with a guy. Go out with a bunch of friends, not just you and him. Try to always have one of your friends with you when you and he are just hanging out. If he comes over to your house make sure someone in your family is home. The less “alone” time you have with him is less of the temptations to have sex with him.
Of course there will be times that it will be just you and him. Keep your guard up at all times. If you are at the point of no return and you will know when you are there, one big clue is your pants are starting to leave your body, think to yourself is this really what I want, remember all the reasons you wanted to stay a virgin, what about getting pregnant. You are going to have to think fast, better yet, think while you are buttoning your jeans back up. It is much easier to get your jeans down, than it is to get them back up, so keep them up.
Try not to put yourself in what starts out to be very innocent situations. Such as inviting a guy over when you are home alone to study for that huge math test on Monday, going over to his house alone when you know full well he is there by himself to watch a video. Try to make smart choices and decisions. One of the top three not so smart choices that I know of is sneaking a guy into your room at night. I mean what do you think the two of you will be doing? Alone in the dark, having to be real quiet so you don’t wake anyone up, now that is temptation!
Another one of the all time not so smart situations to put yourself in has got to be getting drunk. Not only is it against the law for a minor but getting drunk is in no way going to help you to stay a virgin. You are not thinking smart, if you are even thinking when you are drunk. I am not saying don’t go to parties, hang out and have a good time, just don’t get drunk in the process.
Just don’t make the decision to have sex until you are ready. In your life you will have plenty of regrets, don’t let losing your virginity be one of them.

How to say no to him when he wants sex

girl mad and boyDoes your boyfriend constantly want to have sex and you don’t?  Does he say things like, “But, I love you” or “I want my first time to be with you”? And do you say things like, “If you loved me you would wait” or “I’m just not ready yet, but soon”?  In the beginning he would back off and be understanding, or at least act like he understood. But do you now feel like it is getting more and more difficult to either tell him “no” or when you tell him “no” he thinks that means maybe? Well I have good news and bad news, the bad is he probably won’t ever quit trying until you either break up or give in. And the good news is I maybe able to give you some tips and advice to help you keep your virginity and your boyfriend.
You have probably heard other people, usually adults,  say “If he loves you he will respect your choice not to have sex”. Most of the time when guys are wanting to have sex they are not thinking about respect, they are not thinking about anything but getting you to take your pants off. Yeah, he may be saying how much he does love you and respect you while he is in the “pants off’ process, but he also wouldn’t be able to tell you what two plus two is at that time. Now if he is getting pushy to the point that you feel scared, not just irritated but down right scared, you need to end things with him. Of course, he is sorry, he will tell you over and over. For awhile he will be less pushy but he will cross the line again and again he will be sorry. I know you love him but do you really love someone that scares you like that?
Now if your boyfriend is just always trying to get you to have sex or constantly asking when you will be ready, this is quite normal for guys. I am being honest here, if he didn’t ask, didn’t try, didn’t seem to have the slightest interest in having sex with you, he probably wouldn’t be your boyfriend. You would think something was either wrong with him or something was wrong with you. A little bit of “making out” from time to time is fun, right? I hate it when people say “petting” when they are referring to touching each other, in fact touching each other doesn’t sound much better, but before you reach the “touch” level you need to stop. If you are not ready to have sex, don’t tease him by going to that level. You may want to go to that “touch” level but this seems to only give guys the impression that you do want to have sex and that you are just playing hard to get. Go ahead try to explain you are just not ready, you will hear all the usual stuff, “But I love you” and so on. If you are serious about remaining a virgin and not having a boyfriend is out of the question, my advice is don’t let things get past “making out”. Pretend you have a cramp in your leg, say you heard a noise, tell him you need to get home or he needs to go, say or do whatever it takes to avoid going any further. Don’t let him know that is what you are doing either. How long do I think this is going to work? Hopefully until you go away to college.

Crossing over, how to make friends in other clicks

Making friends can be a hard thing to do sometimes. It isn’t as easy to make friends as it was when you were younger. When you were younger you could make friends anywhere and at anytime. At the park playing on the slide was always a good place. How many “best friends” did you meet there? I can’t even count how many friends I made playing in the sand, but every time I would tell my mom the kid I had been playing with was my new best friend. I didn’t have a clue to what my best friends name was but it didn’t matter. Now it does matter and now you are not five years old. There is no slide, no sand and sometimes you think if there were maybe it would be a whole lot easier.
There maybe several reasons you have for wanting to be friends with a group of people. That group of people may have a cheerleader or a student body president and the people in that group seem to be the most popular, prettiest and the people you would most want to be friends with. But just because they seem to be the prettiest and most popular doesn’t mean that you will become the prettiest and most popular girl in school if you are friends with them. You should first ask yourself do I have common interests with this group of people. A common interest is why people begin friendships in the first place. Remember the park, the common interests were we both loved sliding down the slide and we were both five years old. If the people you want to be friends with enjoy the same interest as you that is also a way to start a conversation, which then can lead to friendships. Participating in extracurricular activities is another way. If the group of people you would like to be friends with are active in sports and athletics, try out for the basketball team or the volley ball team. Even if you don’t make the team, you will make friends just by participating in the tryouts. Now if it is the cheerleader group you want to be friends with, try out for cheerleader or join the spirit club at school. You will meet new friends just by showing your school spirit plus you will have a lot of fun.
Now if you don’t have the same interests as the people you want to be friends with, then why do you want to be friends with them? Do you think you could pretend to be interested in sports or cheer-leading? You might be able to for a short time but not for too long. Is it because you feel like if I were friends with that group I will be more popular, more liked or more intelligent? And you might very well be more popular and more liked if you became friends with the people that you think are, but at what price?
If you do not share the same interest and goals, you will have to pretend to be someone that you are not. And when it comes to making friends even five year-olds don’t pretend they are something that their not.
So be yourself, don’t try to act like you are interested in sports when you are really interested in chess. Instead of trying out for the basketball team, join the chess club. You may not be as popular but you will be a whole lot happier. You may even find a best friend and with any luck you will know that best friends name. Best of all you won’t have to empty the sand from your shoes.